Rent-a-darkie.co.za

token white guy from the le brons
Liven up your party with a token white guy Source: The LeBrons

Struggling to find a job, I was hoping to offer my services (for hire) as a black person to any willing white South Africans because let’s face it, these days black is the new cool. Any white person (especially a famous one) living in Africa who wants to be taken seriously has to have a large crew of black Africans to claim as friends so that they can easily whip these friends out in public when they are accused of racism (which happens a lot to white South Africans).

What I was offering was a service to make it simpler for white South Africans to have black friends without having to drive to Soweto to seek them out on their own. Within 3 days they would receive a rental agreement and price quote. They would just submit a deposit and plan an event. I would then take care of the rest.

In this age of BEE (Black Economic Empowerment) my plan was to offer white South Africans the chance to advance their business and social reputation by giving them a connection with a black person i.e a “blackgent” (for a price). These “blackgents” could be taken to any gathering, event or even to the office to keep things lively and add clout to the image of the white person who would have hired them.

I had a business plan, a name for my website and I had five friends who were willing to be “blackgents”, a term I coined to describe the sales agents of my company. I took it from the term sales agents. Since they are black and they would be selling the black experience to white people then “blackgents” would be cool, creative right? I know, thank you.

Anyway, I was well on my way to creating my website http://www.rentadarkie.co.za only to find out about www.rent-a-negro.com. It seems someone thought of this way before I did. Granted this site is American but there I was looking at my idea plastered all over their website, to my great disappointment.

I had to reconsider my idea, and then it hit me! How about I rent out white people to black people? Indeed, given the amount of racial tension that goes around in this country whenever there’s beef between a black person and a white person (because people of the same race never have beef) I thought my idea could work the other way round.

South Africa has a growing black middle class. These people have money and they have status but, if general opinion is to be believed, they obviously lack the creativity, articulacy and attractiveness of white people so that is where I would come in.

As a black owner of my company any BEE quota requirements would easily be satisfied. Besides, it would be a refreshing change to have white people working for black people.

In practice what would happen is that after agreeing rental terms, the rented legoa (sotho for white person) would arrive at a black middle class event prepped and ready to go. He/she would interact with guests/friends/colleagues according to the expectations outlined in the contract, making the black person who hired him/her look more intelligent and more cultured. All they would have to do is enjoy the event and let the legoa excite and impress the guests with his big words and his/her nice hair.

The legoa could also double up as a driver guaranteeing you less ‘random’ traffic stops. If the police think he/she is the owner of your new Bentley you would not be asked any questions pertaining to the ownership of the car etc.

At KFC you would spend less time in the queue. We all know legoa ’s  don’t queue for long at food outlets and they get better customer service. He/she could just bundle your order in with his/hers and your chicken order will come out after a minimal waiting time, far less than the two minutes KFC advertises to everyone else, but then again everyone else wouldn’t have hired a legoa .

Just like that, my plan was back on track. I’m still trying to fine tune it but my goal is to serve today’s black South Africans by allowing them the chance to promote their connection with a creative, articulate, friendly, attractive, and pleasing white person.

This service comes without the commitment of learning about classical music, opera, rugby, challenging your own BEE privilege, or being labelled a ‘coconut’. In fact, rent-a-legoa .co.za will allow you to use your money and status to your advantage! In addition, your money will go to support the ‘previously advantaged’ in the South African community.

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10 thoughts on “Rent-a-darkie.co.za”

  1. i love you and i love your writing, you fucken good and i laughed my black ass off..

    you great, i must re-blog this….just great

    by the way i studied arts in your country, i am a Mongwato from Botswana.

    1. Thanks. I laughed mine off when I read your comment too. I studied with a girl who is a Mangwato from Botswana. I think what inspired this article is the ridiculous stereotypes that exist about people of different races. I hope I live to see an Africa where all this does not matter but til then all we can do is write about it.

      1. totally true.. all we can do is write and sometimes add a little bit of humor along the way…

        this girl from Botswana wa Mogwato what was her name? i happen to be a Mogwato too from Serowe..

        even more interesting, my father is from Zimbabwe…, where did you live?

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