#data will fall

In a ground-breaking move, South African mobile operators have announced a deal whereby people who cannot afford data would be able to barter their goods in exchange for data bundles. The new deal is set to come into effect in 2017 as some ground work needs to be done to design a structure of how this system will work practically.

Speaking to reporters, Vodacom’s Jal nied ta jus Pay said, “we are tired of the FOMO that is going on out there because people cannot afford data and as one of the biggest networks in the country we have taken it upon ourselves to bring data to the people.”


The system will see collection centres being set up across the country to collect goods and other items in exchange for airtime/recharge vouchers. Although it is still unclear what goods will be exchanged for which amounts of airtime, unconfirmed reports also suggest that those who have nothing to exchange will even be offered the chance to get contract deals as long they can work it off in 24 months.


The deals on offer range from getting a Huawei p9 with 1G of data per month in exchange for doing the Vodacom CEO’s gardening for 2 years to getting an S7 with 5G of data per month for doing lap dances at Teasers on the outskirts of Johannesburg. The latter deal would see the club covering your contract costs.


Experts around the world are hailing this new cost model as the way most mobile network providers will go especially in developing countries where data costs are so prohibitive that some people are even unable to respond to friend requests from as far back as 2 years ago.


A spokesperson for the Ministry of Communication said, “hopefully this brings down the cost of airtime and who knows people could free up more money to afford university fees making the feesmustfall hashtag obsolete and in turn all the (insertproblemhere)mustfall hashtags”


Teacher’s Pet

“Boys, today there’s a nationwide teacher strike. The government has declared this strike illegal stating that any teacher who doesn’t teach will be fired immediately. To avoid that what we will do today is pretend. I will pretend to teach and you in turn will pretend to learn, so let’s pretend.”

These were the words spoken by my A-level history teacher during one of many nationwide teacher strikes. Of all the teachers that had an impact in my life, my A-level history teacher sticks out. FYI the government fired the lot of them that very day only to reinstate them two days later after realising that they could not replace every teacher in Zimbabwe in 24 hours.

The one thing I valued about him is that he was all about real talk. He was never one to fill our heads with lots of fairy tales. The latter was due to our school being a traditional boys’ school. The former was due to him being morbidly obese.

It was clear he had accepted that he was overweight a long time ago. I remember him refusing to follow the trend (at the time) of teachers migrating to the UK to take up menial jobs as care workers when the economic downturn in Zimbabwe had reached endemic levels. Regarding that issue his response was something along the lines of: “I will not be going to the UK to take up a menial job like some of my colleagues at this school have done. I will not be wiping people’s behinds (he didn’t say behinds but anyway) I have enough trouble wiping my own (he looked like he actually could have trouble doing that).

When I was younger I didn’t plan on becoming a teacher. Now that I am, I realise that it was this teacher who taught me that teaching could be a fun job as long as you showed your students respect by not patronising them. I found his ability to be frank with us very refreshing. In a schooling system that could be very militaristic in its approach to discipline he showed me that teachers are humans too (and so they should be).

Why Africa will never win the soccer world cup

After years of research, and by years I mean five minutes of glancing at a few soccer related blogs, I have finally figured out why Africa will never win the soccer world cup.

You can never be good at everything. If there’s one thing that soccer pundits around the world will agree on it’s the fact that no one does sports celebrations quite like the African teams. Of course that’s if we’re not counting the American Major League Baseball mascots. Think Roger Milla and his wiggling waist, Nigeria’s Julius Aghahowa’s back flips or Rashidi Yekini’s arms through the net. All this comes at a price. Since we are so exceptional at celebrations we’ve had to sacrifice actually winning when it matters on the world stage.

As much as we all seem to get infected with varying levels of African patriotism during World Cups very few of us actually believe in our hearts that the African teams can win the World Cup. I sometimes dislike the way we are quick to judge people who openly say this when we actually believe the same.

Since it’s inception (in 1930) no African team has ever won the soccer World Cup so it boggles me to no end that we turn it into an issue every time we don’t do well at this tournament. There is a lot that is wrong in African football from administration, payment issues, Taribo West’s green and white braids (good thing he retired) to Asamoah Gyan wearing the no.3 shirt when he is a striker. Winning the World Cup would go a small way in fixing that but by no means would it mean an end to our footballing woes.

And to qoute another blogger who rightly corrected me “World Cup soccer is for nations, not for continents. So indeed, Africa will never win it. Nor Europe by the way.”

So with that said as Africans let’s stop the bickering and do what we’ve always done every World Cup since Pele… keep calm and support Brazil!

African leaders meet like ‘Africans’

Jacob Zuma
Jacob Zuma proves that thinking like an African is not so bad if done in moderation

Pretoria –

African leaders on Tuesday opened talks in South Africa to discuss the formation of a panel that will consult on the creation of a committee that will confer to set up a forum that will moot the idea of different representatives meeting to exchange views on the possibility of the use of a rapid-deployment emergency force to swiftly intervene in crises on the continent.

The proposed new force will assist the continent pending the operation of the long-planned AU African Standby Force.

Jacob Zuma, the South African president , stated that the aim of the summit is to let leaders know that when it comes to security, “thinking like Africans in Africa in general” is not such a bad thing.  He added that the meeting would “enable Africa to act swiftly and independently in response to the urgent security challenges this continent faces”, except in Malawi where the dire state of the national road there makes it hard for anyone to act at all let alone act swiftly.

Apparently this decision came about due to the perceptive  and revolutionary realisation that 10 years was a long time to wait for “swift African responses to crises that arise on our continent..while the building blocks of the African Standby Force are carefully being put in place”.

The AU’s standby brigade has made little progress since its inception. A decade ago it was proposed that the force would be made up of 32 500 troops and civilians drawn from the continent’s five regions. Of the 32 500, only one has turned up. It’s not clear whether this lone ranger is actually part of the force or if he is the security guard of the site where the proposed base of the proposed force would have been built.

Name change expert, Diddy, formerly known as Puff Daddy, commented that “it probably has a lot to do with the use of the word brigade instead of force. I remember that when I was still called Puff Daddy the Puff got between the fans and I hence it was dropped in favour of Diddy. Now that the African standby brigade has a new name we should see it become more effective”. Other experts echo this view even stating that since the Organization of African Unity became the African Union things have been happening a lot faster in this body because of dropping the word “organization” from its name.

The meeting is being attended by countries that have said they are willing, in principle, holding all factors constant and provided the AU provides their soldiers with sunscreen that has SPF 15 or higher, to contribute to the force. It was not immediately clear how many countries have so far pledged troops to the new force.

The new force will be known simply as the African Capacity for Immediate & Swift Response to Crises in the Greater Africa bar Malawi (ACISRCGAM). – norushinafrica

photo credit: Embassy of Equatorial Guinea via photopin cc

Myths about Africa

map of Africa
We really don’t like being called the ‘dark continent’

It amazes me that in 2012 certain stereotypes about Africa still exist and some are even embraced by people one would think are open minded. There are many such misconceptions out there but this week I will focus on a few that I’ve encountered personally in my reading, in the media and in conversation with Africans and people from other parts of the world.

  • Firstly, contrary to some beliefs we actually have airports. Some of these airports rank quite highly due to their world class facilities. So no worries, when you visit you will actually land. You won’t have to parachute off your plane while it circles the country to allow for everyone to jump off.
  • Secondly, Africa is a continent and not a country. It is the 2nd largest continent and is made up of +/- 60 countries (depending on your politics and whether you count a peck on the cheek as a kiss). So before you ask, No! I don’t know that guy you met in Ghana this one time. I’m from Malawi which is a separate country very far away from Ghana.
  • Although we have wild animals that live in the wild, we don’t have pet lions. Instead, we have these weird creatures called dogs, cats and birds amongst other things that we like to keep as pets. I know a guy who used to have a Lion though (psssh! giving us all a bad name).
  • In addition to this, we have computers, broadband, Blackberries, iPhones, Tablet PCs, the internet and in fact most technologies that people in the 1st world (whatever that means) are used to . We don’t have a soothsayer who posts Facebook status updates on our behalf using smoke signals. In case you need to send a text message, make a call or send an email via your phone we also have 3G connectivity in most areas.
  • Most of the major media companies would have you believe that it’s all doom and gloom here. What with all the stories of corruption, hunger, war and disease. Yes, like Britney Spears, Joe the plumber and Homer Simpson we have our problems (like running out of beer on a weekend) but despite this we go to movies, we have comedians, we gossip about celebrities doing what most people can’t imagine their parents doing, we have parties (where we actually eat), we worry about health insurance (yes we have that too) and we go to the park on weekends with our families.
  • Though Nelson Mandela is an icon he is not the only icon to come out of Africa. In as much as we appreciate the work that Mr Mandela did for his country and the rest of the continent we have a large number of Africans working hard to effect change in their countries today. Off the top of my head names that come up are Kofi Annan, Nwanko Kanu, Roger Milla, Desmond Tutu and many more.
  • Furthermore, we don’t need your help (I am of course referring to Tarzan, Superman and whoever feels that we need to be saved from something). We have the intellect and the human resources to come up with solutions to our problems. Don’t get me wrong everyone needs a little assistance when they are facing difficulties however giving us 22 million pounds or dollars and then lecturing us about ‘good governance’ doesn’t really sit well with most Africans especially if you are involved in a myriad of dodgy wars across the world and your airport security policies regard toothpaste as a potential weapon. That said, Oprah we love the school you opened and we hope you come here and do another one of ’em shows where you give away cars.
  • Finally, most of our clean water is provided to us via the tap and not Matt Damon.*

*Matt Damon funds projects in Zambia to bring clean water to communities in some areas that do not have access to it.